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it is 1 in the morning on the 30th of august. i feel nothing. i have finished my SAT on saturday. no tutors anymore, nothing. this nothing gave way to hedonism. i now wait for my fate. 1 week. not to mention school. and then uni. and work. i question everything. i have started actually reading up on politics. i wanted to answer what our state should do and what it is doing wrong. nothing. nothing. i feel awful. my stomach is melting. i am so tired of just everything. i want to work but i don't want to. i want school to come and yet i hate it. every second i spend in that godforsaken place reminds me of why i started reading, to escape. i just want escape this place. i don't feel any love or happiness anymore. dopamine hit to dopamine hit. i am crying. i haven't cried in a while but i have now. pathetic. each day living here. no love, no hope. i read of love and how good it feels and yet i lack it. i don't even feel horny anymore. i haven't even considered it for the last 2 fucking months. i just want this to end. god when will this ever end. pathetic. how pathetic am i. this whole thing nothing but pathetic sad lsoer shit i cant even botheranymore i dont have anybody to tell this ij ust bottle this up inside me and look what thsi led to i am just so so tired of everything and yet i have to move on the mind fears the body acts i havent even learned anything i just memorize and then copy what i memorized ont he exam i am not smart good grades dont make me smart i hate this why even bother attending there anymore when will this end i just want to be a faggot in peace why do they not want me to live in peace i am not treatening to kill them or anything all iw ant is life and peace and freedom is that somuch to ask anymorea???????? pathetic. lonely, pathetic scared cowardice awful awful dumb idiot i am tired of senseless optimism "it iwll all be good int he end" noit ist they told me this waould pay off where is my fucking payoff is my payoffcomign sooson i cant wait idont like my social contract i want to goelsewher they goffer better shit to citizens like actual human rights not here though cantliekmen we government tell you haow to act dont dare disrespect us FUCK YOU FUCK THIS I HATE ALL OF YOU JUST LET ME BE IN PEACE FOR GODSSKAEI AM TIRED I JSUT WANT TO LIVE PLEASE PLEASE PELASE LETE ME LIEV. pathetic. and for whom do i write this? to earn sympathy? pathetic. i am supposed to be a good little boy and bottle it up, no one else cares, we have our own problems despite being priviliged and liking women. go sit in the chair with naisl AKA fag corner we are pure unlike oyu. fuck you.
